The O’Toole Chronicles: Friendship

After I received a considerable and unexpected amount of positive feedback on my recent column, Loyalty, I decided it was time to write a piece on another rare human trait – the often-misunderstood phenomena known as Friendship. After delving (Loyalty column) into the darker side of individuals who fail to possess the loyalty gene, I thought it wise in the new year to transition now and focus on the more life affirming good qualities of a positive living construct – FRIENDSHIP.

Friendship is a fascinating ten letter word and perhaps the word friendship is used too liberally in our society. We need a brief tutorial on the cerebral concept of friendship.

Let’s begin. I do believe that far too many people couldn’t recognize a modern-day, good ole fashioned friendship. By my life experiences and my rather extensive exposures in my public facing jobs, I believe by the simple power of osmosis that I have become a subject matter expert on people and the psychology of human relationships. I believe that I am now well-equipped enough to think that I truly understand definitionally what a friendship looks like and what a friend is. 

Let’s be honest, given my forty years in this people-centric business, I believe that I can readily identify a real friendship from a fake one, like spotting lab-grown diamonds from those gems unearthed by DeBeers. I truly believe that many misidentify friendships from acquaintances and political associations, and very few truly understand what the markings of a true friendship look like. 

Furthermore, despite protests to the contrary, I think as we get on with our busy lives, even fewer and fewer of us have relationships that would qualify as a true, pure, organic, and profound friendship. To me, friendship is very special, rare and unique. An unspoiled friendship suggests that both parties are equal and both parties put forth equal amounts of devotion, care, and concern into the relationship. I don’t need a friendship loupe to spot a true friendship, it is felt, it is seen, it is understood, and it is appreciated. When you are lucky to finally reach that high bar for friendship, you know it inherently, you have an unmistakable sense of accomplishment, and the ever-evolving product of that exquisite bond becomes more extraordinary and everlasting.

Point of personal note- I am fortunate enough to have dear friends, real friends, true friends from grammar school, high school, law school and beyond. And despite the fair warning about the improbability of making friends in politics, many still suffer from this grand delusion that you make many friends in this business. The truth is you have friends before politics and good chances that they will be the only friends after politics.  In my case, I cite my two dear friends that I have made during my political tenure, State Senator Brian Stack and Passaic GOP Chair, Peter Murphy, as exceptions to the rule. I’m sure I’m missing a name or two, but you get the point.

While I caution all to be prepared to guard against perceived incoming political friendships, I say also beware individuals who have zero footprint or no DNA of friendship from life prior to the engagement in the political theatre. Like Hamlet acknowledged the evil spirits when “the witching time of the night” and he told himself to “quake to look on,” so too we remind the concerned public to be forewarned of the individual who has no friendship to fall back to other than those associations made in politics. It is dangerous, it is instructive, and it is a warning of something peculiar.

Let’s get the easy stuff out of the way. 

By definition, you can’t be in a friendship dynamic with certain individuals . Let’s be crystal clear, we must recognize that there exist certain human relationships that can be called a lot of things, but friendship isn’t one of them. I know this sounds harsh, but you can’t be friends with a staffer or subordinate, you can’t be friends with a teacher or coach. The root of this is because one of the two is at elevated level of a boss or mentor and the playing field isn’t level. With rare exception, I have seen a few but not too many employee/employer relationships transcend the work dynamic and successfully succeed as true friends. Personally speaking, I have been lucky two or three times.

You want other clearer examples of individuals being incapable of arriving on the friendship boat together? You asked so here it is. You cannot be a friend to your children. You can’t be a mother or father and then expect to parent correctly. I have seen it too many times, parents trying hard to be the friend to a child and this ill-advised attempt to bridge a generational divide always ends poorly. How many times have we witnessed a parent, usually trying or vying to make up for lost time, attempt to make it up by holding themselves as a buddy or comrade.  This same truth holds up when dealing with an offspring and an aging parent. Enough said.

I know I promised to be positive, and we have talked too long about what friendship isn’t, so let’s pivot to talk about what friendship is.

I believe that Friendship is:

Calling on a person at any hour and asking for help with anything without receiving a lecture or making you feel badly about yourself

Being able to ask for an honest opinion and know full well that truth day and compassion at coming at you at equal speed

Asking for a loan and not worrying about receiving the third degree on why you need it 

Being able to tell a friend that they are acting abnormally and need a gut check and get a kind thank you in return 

Being able to tell a longtime friend that their lifestyle is reflective of their college days and it is time to grow up

Being able to confide in someone and not worry about that secret getting out

Being able to tell a friend about your recent promotion and know your friend is as happy as you are 

Winning a lottery and your friend is not expecting anything from you

Winning a lottery and willingly want to give your friends some of your winnings

Telling a friend that you made mistakes and not suffer from judgment 

Calling up a person you have known for years and haven’t spoken to recently, and not missing a beat 

Asking advice from someone and know that it is the exact  wisdom that the moment calls for

Walking away from parts of your life and your friend asks what he or she can do to help make the moment feel better

Is never feeling jealous or petty and always being supportive 

Losing your job and the friend doesn’t treat you any differently 

Calling someone and knowing the call will end and you will feel better

Let’s end on a positive note. It is time to pick up the phone and call a friend and see how they are doing and don’t ask for anything in return.