Some politicians are famous for the amount of wakes/funerals/Shivas/Janazahs they attend. Former County Executive Tom D’Alessio was known for prolifically making the rounds at wakes, in particular. It got to the point that some days seemed like one prolonged campaign stop. It was remarkable that Tom would map his day around how many wakes he could attend. I’m not suggesting that a former elected official lacked sincerity, but many observers found it quite peculiar that he would routinely show up at a half-dozen or more wakes in a single day.
I recall seeing the then-popular County Executive escorted into many wakes—he would walk up to the grieving family and offer sincere, heart-felt condolences. The rest of the rushed appearance was spent shaking hands, pressing the flesh of the attendees (pre-COVID, of course). If the decedent happened to be a county employee, you could be sure that the funeral home would be packed with county employees. The truth is, smart political insiders knew the drill and would stand or sit in a lane that the County Executive was sure to take. It was not unusual for someone to take the inopportune moment to grab the boss and ask for a raise or a promotion. You could count on it—as the old saying goes, if you want to catch fish, fish where the fish are.
This topic popped into my head as I thought about the upcoming ten-year anniversary of my brother’s untimely passing. We held the wake and funeral over Memorial Day weekend and did not expect or want people to disrupt their holiday plans. But we saw quite a few folks from the political department that weekend, and their effort to grieve with us was greatly appreciated. And from those who could not make the trip, the calls and text messages were a great comfort.
With those memories in my mind, I thought of a similar question: what is the political etiquette of attending or not attending a wake, funeral, Shiva, or Janazah?
I do not think attendance at those events should ever be based on politics, but I do have a few questions that I leave for the reader:
Should you attend a funeral of sworn, arch enemy? How about a loved one of the opponent?
I have heard the joke (I hope it was a joke) far too many times that people insist on attending the funeral of an adversary just to make sure he or she, indeed, is dead. Gallows humor aside, is attending an opponent’s service the right thing to do? If we really hated (I know, strong word) the person when alive, what makes them more likeable in death? Or is it really about respecting the grieving family and friends? Or should the inevitable circle of life cause all of us to look within and transcend the pettiness for an act of kindness?
As a matter of fact, I wrestled with this very dilemma some time ago. One of my former running mates passed away, and I deferred on attending the wake and funeral because word leaked back to me that one family member blamed me for the quick demise of the once powerful state official. Tough grounds to navigate, to be sure.
With the COVID restrictions loosening, we will soon again be faced with the decision of whether or not to attend ceremonies for folks who have passed on, and we need to fully think through the ramifications of our decisions.
Here are a few things to consider:
- Your presence or absence is remembered. People know if you show or not.
- Remember, you are a guest. It is not about you. Be mindful of texting and phone calls, and (this should go without saying) never take a selfie. Do not appear as though you are having fun—unless it is an Irish wake.
- Staff: Do not sign your boss’ name in the book if he/she is not there. And do not sign for your friends. Like a nominating petition, sign only your own name.
- Elected Officials: Do not promise an escort and not deliver. And do not embarrass the bereaved with an escort so over the top that it becomes a news story.
- Do not take so much time speaking to the family that you inconvenience the other mourners.
- If the deceased is someone who was extraordinarily good to you, and their family is financially challenged, do not be afraid to put your hand in your pocket.
- If it is a Shiva, bring something. Do not walk in empty handed. And do not help yourself—the food is for the family.
- Learn and understand religious customs.
- If you ask someone to help with things such as a proclamation or flags lowering or lobbying the governor to mention the person at his briefing, let them take the credit. Do not leverage the credit.
- And, finally, if you never go to these, no one will show up at yours.
P.S., I offer a final tidbit to elected officials who insist on private escorts to cut the line at viewings: stop this offensive habit. Get there early, and beat the crowd, unless of course your purpose is to be seen by the crowd. Either way, the optics of a private escort to cut the line are staggeringly bad.